Oh, the Harmonious E of Dating

No one really wants contentious dating. I mean, they might insinuate it when they blatantly insult their partner's 89-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's, but we all know that deep down, we like harmony. We really do.

So it totally makes sense that we embarked, as modern humanity, into the creation of unprecedented scenarios for match-making that intends to eliminate many of our common sources of mating conflicts, as well as eliminate any patchy guesswork from Fate that has left most of us with fond recollections that go something like this:

You: Do you remember that guy from Montana's way back when?

Friend: Ohhhh my gosh. The one who snorted cocaine in the bathroom on your first date?

You: Yah.

Friend: Let's order another drink.

We've all been there. So it's not too shocking that someone thought they'd throw Fate out on her ass and take the romance reigns into their own hands through an exceptionally long dating application process called a "personality test" and call it the magical algorithm of harmonious love-making. (Okay, they may not call it that. I call it that, and I'm about to explain why.) Thank God, the internet has done it again!

The efficiency is ground-breaking. If you break down the approach you take with online dating versus real-life encounter dating, you might see what I'm talking about here.

Real life encounter dating:

• First off, it takes waaaay longer to even say "real life encounter dating" than just "online dating". Too many syllables.
• You can only find out the particulars of the person on an actual date. That means minutes, potentially hours, of talking and spending time with only this person to find out the basics. What? Ridiculous.

Online dating:

• Depending on how quickly you read, you can cover all the basics of a first date in about 3 minutes from a swift peek at their hyperly-manicured profile. You can go on, like, 50 first dates in the amount of time you would have done only one "real life encounter" date. Efficiency, people, efficiency!
• So, mathematically, mathematically, if you go on even just one date a MONTH in your "real life encounter" scene, and you go through about, say, 10 of these before you hear the "ding-ding, WINNER" go off in your head, that is TEN MONTHS of dating you could have accomplished in 10 minutes. Awful, awful waste.

I understand there are a lot of people out there who still have an archaic bone to pick with online dating. "You don't get to see that person--in person-- at first," these people say. Uhm, that's what online photos, facetime, skype, video chat and conferencing is for. Hello, I-act-like-the-only-way-to-see-someone-is-by-being-in-the-same-zipcode. This is not the 90's.

So basically, friends, if you're online dating, you are totally blowing your non-online-dating friends right out of the pools of plenty o' fish water. While they're sitting around having lavish, uneconomical live dates with people, (what the?), you can sit right in front of your laptop wearing the flannel pants with a hole in the crotch and date fifteen people while your hot pocket heats up. This is a win-win-win combo, if I have ever found one, and I'm pretty sure I've found one. Chips, cheese, jalapenos. Macaroni, cheese, and hot dog slices. Done and done... I rule the world.