Oh, the Harmonious E of Dating

No one really wants contentious dating. I mean, they might insinuate it when they blatantly insult their partner's 89-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's, but we all know that deep down, we like harmony. We really do.

So it totally makes sense that we embarked, as modern humanity, into the creation of unprecedented scenarios for match-making that intends to eliminate many of our common sources of mating conflicts, as well as eliminate any patchy guesswork from Fate that has left most of us with fond recollections that go something like this:

You: Do you remember that guy from Montana's way back when?

Friend: Ohhhh my gosh. The one who snorted cocaine in the bathroom on your first date?

You: Yah.

Friend: Let's order another drink.

We've all been there. So it's not too shocking that someone thought they'd throw Fate out on her ass and take the romance reigns into their own hands through an exceptionally long dating application process called a "personality test" and call it the magical algorithm of harmonious love-making. (Okay, they may not call it that. I call it that, and I'm about to explain why.) Thank God, the internet has done it again!

The efficiency is ground-breaking. If you break down the approach you take with online dating versus real-life encounter dating, you might see what I'm talking about here.

Real life encounter dating:

• First off, it takes waaaay longer to even say "real life encounter dating" than just "online dating". Too many syllables.
• You can only find out the particulars of the person on an actual date. That means minutes, potentially hours, of talking and spending time with only this person to find out the basics. What? Ridiculous.

Online dating:

• Depending on how quickly you read, you can cover all the basics of a first date in about 3 minutes from a swift peek at their hyperly-manicured profile. You can go on, like, 50 first dates in the amount of time you would have done only one "real life encounter" date. Efficiency, people, efficiency!
• So, mathematically, mathematically, if you go on even just one date a MONTH in your "real life encounter" scene, and you go through about, say, 10 of these before you hear the "ding-ding, WINNER" go off in your head, that is TEN MONTHS of dating you could have accomplished in 10 minutes. Awful, awful waste.

I understand there are a lot of people out there who still have an archaic bone to pick with online dating. "You don't get to see that person--in person-- at first," these people say. Uhm, that's what online photos, facetime, skype, video chat and conferencing is for. Hello, I-act-like-the-only-way-to-see-someone-is-by-being-in-the-same-zipcode. This is not the 90's.

So basically, friends, if you're online dating, you are totally blowing your non-online-dating friends right out of the pools of plenty o' fish water. While they're sitting around having lavish, uneconomical live dates with people, (what the?), you can sit right in front of your laptop wearing the flannel pants with a hole in the crotch and date fifteen people while your hot pocket heats up. This is a win-win-win combo, if I have ever found one, and I'm pretty sure I've found one. Chips, cheese, jalapenos. Macaroni, cheese, and hot dog slices. Done and done... I rule the world.

Hello, my name is Sam, my blog is about Awkward.

So, this blog is really about awkwardness. I understand that most everyone experiences it to some degree or another; I've lived it at a whole 'nuther level. So I pick up on it like a magnet in a kitchen appliance store, and I've decided to let this part of me not only be, but be celebrated. Kind of like the model with the gap teeth... don't fight it. Make it your thing.

Alright, world. I'll make awkward my thing. I will own these shenanigans.

See, there was nothing really going to prevent it. I was born the youngest of four girls, and I had a hell of a time getting here--I had jaundis, no big deal I guess, except also had a big ol' cleft lip that put me in about 10 surgeries before I could fully accomplish puberty, and THAT makes a dent in your normalcy if anything does.

I was born to extremely loving parents, thank GOD, but my adorable parents are also pretty much the exact opposite of every aspect of my personality. This creates a bit of, shall we say, tension? during the wonder years, and of course maintains ramifications into our adult silver years. I grew up with them pastoring their church in north hollywood for 14 years, (yup--I'm a PK), and hand-me-down clothes from my sisters who are 7-9 years ahead of me, making me about 7-9 years totally out of fashion's graces for like, always, up until high school when I put all of my money towards clothes, ha ha. (That habit has since never changed, unfortunately). I also grew up being that slightly awkwardly smart kid, which was totally acceptable up until middle school, so I dutifully stopped doing well in school right around 8th grade. And another one bites the dust.

The strictness of my household, as well as the overall formality and politeness with which we regard each other, lends to most of my awkward behavior--most especially when it comes to my awkward behavior with dating... (but that, THAT is something for another blog. Probably the next one)... I mean my mom still acts shocked if I pick my nose with my foot and yell profanity at the table--crazy, right? I know!

In any case, I felt like I give a sketchy background of why I'm going to start this blog, other than the obvious reason that I'm deliciously bored on my vacation, and hope it gets fun around here. Cheers.